Cat for sale, house included

I am not terribly stupid, just slow to respond to the obvious. This is about Tuke (again). I left the window, and Tuke's access to the house, open again. I am on the phone, having a work-related conversation when I hear something at the kitchen window. "That's very peculiar", I thought, as I am up and Tuke knows it and he didn't knock on the door, cause I would've heard it. So I turn to see Tuke entering the house, through his cat door (or cat window) with a live bird in his mouth.

Now, I would like to say that the bird escaped but there was no struggle, Tuke didn't lose a battle with the bird, Tuke just let him go. Let Him Go!! For no reason other than to keep me from taking the bird and releasing him again in the wild. So... the chase is on. Tuke and I chased this damn bird for 10 minutes before it was snared and taken outside, only to be subjected by Tuke again. Hey, natural elimination of the weakest? Who am I to interfere, really? That is what a cat does.

So, after way too many obvious clues (good cop aint I?) I closed the window. Just in the knick of time. I arrive home from work to find a dead bird on the front porch. You know damn good and well that he went straight to the window to bring it inside to play and found the door closed. Ha, Ha... Gotcha! No more birds, rats, moles, mice, or anything else alive and loose in the house. Hang on, Tuke is knocking.

Ok, so he is now banned from bringing live prey into the house to chase around and ruin carpeting. So this cat, who is dependent on me for food and shelter, loving and playing is going to now punish me. See, he usually comes to bed well after I am asleep and normally keeps himself on the other half of the King-Sized bed that I am sleeping on.

Not since the window-closing incident. Now, whenever he decides to come to bed, in the middle of the night, while I am sound asleep, he jumps into the bed on my side, head high, and lands right on the side of my face and head. That, in and of itself is hard to deal with but there is more. He purrs, or hums, or gives a warning maybe, that he is coming. He jumps and releases a very lound HHHRRRRRRR on his way to my head.

So now imagine being dead asleep and the sound of a squadron of Blackhawk helicopters is descending on your roof and BAM! Tuke lands on your head. It is very disturbing and probably going to lead to a heart attack. So I hope the house sells quickly, otherwise I may put him on e-bay.