The mad shitter

To kick off a week of blogs about the job, I start with one of the most unbelievable actions ever taken by a police officer.

Quick overview... this guy gets assigned to the task force and is most likely gay and most definitely a freaking idiot. He was constantly doing things wrong, violating policy and a civil right here and there. Just impossible to supervise and train (this was before my tenure as Director) and the Director just let him run free. Probably why he isn't the Director any more.

So supercop gets a search warrant for a place that is supposed to have a meth lab and a bunch of dope. He goes to the place with a couple of road deputies and no one appears to be home. So he calls for us to come help with the search. We arrive and learn that the dope cook was in the woods hunting off a 4 wheeler and showed up only to be arrested and hauled off. Supercop has already kicked the door in and started searching.

The place is unbelievably nice. I mean very clean, new furniture, game room with a pool table, food in the cabinets, the dishes done, the laundry put away neatly, and (for the only time in my career) a huge meth lab with no Confederate flag hanging in the yard and sex toys laying around the bedroom floor.

We find the lab and the dope and leave to carry out the rest of our business. The lady that lives there wrote a formal complaint about the way the property was left. Now we don't pick up after ourselves. If we move something while searching and we have found dope, you are going to have some cleaning up to do when we are done. Most people don't realize that we have moved anything because the house was trashed when we got there. So I wasn't all that surprised that this lady complained. That is until I read the complaint.

She alleged that we looked at all her pictures of herself naked and left them laying around the bedroom. That's true, freak. She alleged we drank all her beer and left the cans in the floor. Not true, the beer cans came out of her trash can, the same can nearly $350 worth of dope was in. And we looked, she only had two beers left when we got there, wasn't worth the effort. And finally, she alleged that someone shit in her bathroom trash can and wiped with the shower curtain, towels and other linen in the cabinets. Come on now, that's absurd.

Or so I thought. Supercop admits to the allegation a week later. I couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that he shit himself in the first place. I mean what happened? The guy with the gun scared you, you kicked the door too hard, you got sick? What makes you shit yourself? Then he goes in the house and tries to tidy himself up. You have to be kidding me. Make an excuse, leave the property, go home to shower and change, then come back to work. Nope, he goes to the bathroom, pulls down his pants, cuts out his underwear, and in an attempt to hide them from us places his shitty underwear under the trash can liner. Left the trash can in the bathroom. Did he think they would never be found there? So he cleans himself up. I'm sure there was paper in there, why use the shower curtain and linens? Then he TELLS it. He told off on himself. What a dumb ass.

I hope it never happens but I promise you this... If I ever shit my pants the only way I get caught is if someone is there to smell or maybe hear it and sees the confused, guilty expression on my face. Because I am getting the hell out of there and taking the evidence with me. And don't expect me to tell it, oh, hell no. That's my little secret for life.